My earliest memory of travel is visiting my parents’ home country of Mexico when I was 6 years old. They couldn’t afford airfare for a family of six, so we formed a caravan with four other families and made the 36-hour pilgrimage from Los Angeles to my father’s home state of Colima.
For this trip, my parents saved money all year, took unpaid time off from work, and sacrificed their sleep. Over the 20+ years since, I have taken her on approximately 25 flights to 10 countries on 3 continents. On the other hand, my parents have visited a total of five countries, including Mexico and the United States.
When my mother (now 58 years old) was in her 40s, she traveled to Canada, Italy, and El Salvador. In all her travels, she used up a significant amount of her life savings, spent time away from her family, and ate mostly sandwiches to save on her food expenses. back. Her father, on the other hand, had only traveled to Mexico and El Salvador, always to visit her friends and family rather than to relax or enjoy a vacation.
It’s been about 20 years since either of my parents went to a country other than their homeland, and now they mostly visit when a family member gets sick or dies. Their journey always comes from sacrifice or necessity, but what about me? Leisure and luxury anytime.
My parents’ travel was always out of sacrifice or necessity, but what about mine? Leisure and luxury anytime.
As you know, I’m a wellbeing and lifestyle writer who covers travel. As a result, I am often invited to press trips. This is an all-expenses-paid trip to new featured hotels and other destinations offered based on coverage availability. I went on a wellness trip to Las Vegas (paid for by MGM Resorts) and visited Morocco (thank you, Morocco Tourism Board!). At the end of August, the sportswear company HOKA paid for my trip to France.
In addition to these press trips, I have also taken vacations on my own. In 2019 I spent 3 weeks in Europe visiting Croatia, the Netherlands, Ireland, Belgium and France. In 2021, my cousins and I spent a week partying in Cancun. That same year, I celebrated my birthday with friends in Atlanta, Georgia. Then, a year later, my sister and I took a four-day vacation to Puerto Vallarta, Mexico, where we swam with dolphins and spent a lot of time on a boat.
Every time I get to go on one of these press trips or vacations (especially overseas), I can’t help but think: Oh my gosh, this is amazing!!! I’m so grateful that my hard work paid off and I got this opportunity. I wish I could have brought my parents…
And first generation guilt washes over me. I feel guilty that I get to travel the world for work and play and have fun when my parents don’t have the money or paid vacation to do it yet. I feel guilty that because of the sacrifices my parents made, I was able to get the education they didn’t have, and because of that I was able to have a career and earn money that they didn’t have either. But most of all, I feel guilty for being able to travel as a luxury rather than as a sacrifice.
Why I feel first-generation guilt when I take luxury trips for work or pleasure
My mother left Mexico when she was 14 years old. She often recalls the time she had to run away from hounds chasing her along the U.S.-Mexico border. At least she had her family, and she was able to get a job with those connections. Her father may not have been willing to risk his life to emigrate from Mexico, but he left his family behind when he was 20 years old and had to start from scratch here.
They did not leave Mexico of their own free will. “I didn’t want to leave home, but I felt hopeless,” his father said with tears in his eyes. They left for the same reason many people leave their home countries: for better economic prospects. Even as a teenager, her mother understood the time and financial strain on her family. She was the eldest in a family of 14. I don’t change my own diapers for a dozen children, and I don’t cook dinner for just as many. My parents also wanted their future children to have a better life than they had when they were alive.
So if that’s exactly what I accomplished, getting a college degree, making more money, and being able to travel leisurely and luxuriously, why would I choose to do so? Do I feel that guilty?
Fundamentally, the first generation guilt I feel for enjoying luxury travel and pleasure travel is due to the financial freedom my parents don’t have (and didn’t have). It is associated with having . There is also a layer of feeling that as a direct result of their travels, I am now able to enjoy traveling as well. This is a different, less fun kind of thing.
According to clinical psychologist Dr. Lisette Sanchez, host of The First Generation Psychologist, such feelings of guilt are not uncommon among first-generation children. “You may feel guilty about having luxuries that your parents didn’t have.” [or didn’t] ,” says Dr. Sanchez. “Rest is a big thing. Document status is also listed. You may also feel guilty if you work in an air-conditioned office while your parents do hard labor. “Hmm,” she says, “you could make a list of the top 100 things that first-generation kids feel guilty about.”
Neither of my parents had particularly physically demanding jobs. They have also been US citizens since her 90s, so my guilt does not stem from a mixed status issue. But they still can’t travel much. They need almost all the money they earn from work to pay for food, the mortgage, and household expenses. My parents can’t afford not to leave work and earn money. On the other hand, they see me as a bona fide world traveler and don’t hesitate to point out the differences in our lifestyles. Although they have good intentions, I often get asked things like, “Are you quitting again?” and “Milala!” which means “Look at her girlfriend!” In Spanish.
I feel like I’m betraying them especially since this means leaving them behind while I jet-set around the world. Adriana Alejandre, a trauma therapist and founder of Latina Therapy, says this feeling is due to our mindset of placing special emphasis on family, and that first-generation Latinas who enjoy luxuries they don’t share with their families. It is said that there is a possibility that the number of children may increase.
“Especially as first-generation people, we feel an implicit obligation to help our parents when we reach milestones.” — Adriana Alejandre, LMFT, Therapist
“One of the fundamental parts of our Latinx community is that we come from a collectivistic culture. In particular, we value familism,” Alejandre said. he said, referring to the Latinx concept of putting family first. “Especially as first-generation parents, we feel an implicit obligation to help our parents when we reach milestones,” Alejandre added. “I think [the guilt] It comes from familyism and the desire to take your family with you when you climb the ladder. ”
One of my biggest dreams is to take my family on a press trip or vacation and have them stay at a five-star resort where they can order whatever they want without paying a dime. That is familismo in action. I feel lucky that my career has allowed me to have these experiences, but I still feel guilty for not being able to share them with my family.
Part of that guilt may also stem from a “deep feeling of gratitude.” [to your family] And I don’t know how to express my gratitude,” Alejandre added. In fact, the fact that I might not have been able to do so had my parents not made the sacrifice years ago of leaving their family, community, and culture in Mexico for a chance to start over in America. cannot be ignored. Relive a recent trip you took, whether for work or play.
It goes without saying that my parents have made sacrifices since coming to America to build a better life for me and my siblings. When my father first came to America, he sacrificed going out to lunch or drinks with his friends because he had to roam in search of his job. Later, he had to sacrifice part of his income because his family in Mexico also needed his support. For a while, he continued to Couchsurf until he found a steady source of income.
During that time, my mother sacrificed living with her siblings and watching them grow up, which she told me was painful because she was essentially a second mother to them. Ta. But her biggest sacrifice, she says, was giving up on her dream of becoming a doctor. Once she arrived in the United States, she had to work around the clock to make ends meet. She didn’t have the time or money to attend medical school.
All these sacrifices my parents have made (mostly in the name of my livelihood and lifestyle), combined with the humble nature of my upbringing, have made me feel like an impostor on recent trips. I felt like I didn’t actually deserve the luxury. I was lucky enough to experience it.
Dr. Sánchez says, “If you’re raised in a culture that values humility and being true to your roots, anything that goes against that, such as extravagant travel or fancy dinners, can cause cognitive dissonance. “There is,” he said, adding: An uneasy feeling that occurs when you hold two seemingly contradictory beliefs at the same time. She says it’s common to feel guilty when you’re doing something good that seems to go against your core values.
What I am working on to replace guilt with gratitude
Much of my guilt comes from perceiving my life as more luxurious than my parents’. This is most clearly evidenced by the differences in how each of us experienced travel. But Dr. Sanchez says it’s important to consider the parents’ perspective as well.
“We look around and see how easy our lifestyle is compared to them, and we want to give them what we have, but that doesn’t necessarily mean they can. It’s not necessarily what you want,” says Dr. Sanchez. “They came here seeking a more peaceful life and relief from what they were experiencing. And in many ways, they may have already achieved that. not.”
Similarly, the reason I feel the need to share my good fortune with my parents and take them on trips may have more to do with my view of the situation than with theirs. “You may be expecting a certain amount of income so you can take your family on a trip, but who is putting those expectations on you? Maybe it’s just you,” says Alejandre. . “It’s important to consider how the unspoken expectations you place on yourself are contributing to your feelings of guilt.”
But no matter how much you try to distance yourself from your own harsh expectations, Dr. Sanchez says you may not be able to completely eliminate the first-generation guilt you feel while traveling. that’s ok.
“It’s hard to stop feeling guilty completely, so you have to find a way to honor it in the moment.” —Lisette Sanchez, Ph.D., clinical psychologist
“It’s hard to stop feeling guilty completely, so you need to find a way to honor it in the moment,” says Dr. Sanchez. “Self-awareness is important, and so is understanding that there’s a reason why you’re feeling uncomfortable.” And about feeling like my lifestyle is inconsistent with my upbringing. teeth? Dr. Sanchez says it’s helpful to realize that “you can hold onto your new values while still leaving room for his parents’ values.” [at the same time]”
I’m also comforted by the fact that, again, my parents originally immigrated to America so that I could do all the things I’m doing now. Even if it’s beyond what parents themselves can do (especially) now and in the future. Maybe I can feel gratitude for the sacrifices they made to help me live a better life, well, without feeling guilty for living that kind of life. not.
When I told my parents about my recent feelings of guilt, they admitted the same thing. “I’m so sorry, because without you none of this would have happened,” I said to her mother recently. “I’m sorry I couldn’t take you with me,” she replied immediately. Your best orgarosa de ti yo estoy felis viendo a mis hijos felis y bien. ” (“Not at all. I’m so proud of you and happy to see my children happy and doing well.”) Plus, she doesn’t want me to have any of my luxuries. “And I know that I’m always finding any way I can to share with her.” And my career is still growing. Who knows what I will be able to share in the future.
