My earliest travel memory is visiting my parents’ home country of Mexico when I was six years old. My parents couldn’t afford airfare for our family of six, so we caravanned with four other families and made the 36-hour pilgrimage from Los Angeles to my father’s home state of Colima.
My parents saved up money, took unpaid vacations, and sacrificed sleep all year long to make this trip happen, and in the 20+ years since then, I’ve taken about 25 flights to 10 countries across three continents, while my parents have visited a total of five countries between them, including Mexico and the United States.
My mother (now 58) traveled to Canada, Italy, and El Salvador in her 40s, spending a significant portion of her life’s savings on each trip, spending time away from her family, and eating sandwiches to save money. My father, on the other hand, only traveled to Mexico and El Salvador, and it was always to visit friends and family rather than to relax or enjoy a vacation.
It has been nearly 20 years since my parents last traveled outside of their home country, and the only time they travel now is when a family member gets sick or passes away. Their travels were always driven by sacrifice and necessity, whereas mine are always driven by leisure and luxury.
My parents’ travels were always out of sacrifice and necessity, whereas mine have always been for leisure and luxury.
As you know, I’m a health and lifestyle writer who covers travel, which means I’m often invited to go on press trips – all-expense-paid trips to new and up-and-coming hotels and other destinations for potential news coverage. I’ve taken a wellness trip to Las Vegas (paid for by MGM Resorts), visited Morocco (thanks, Moroccan Tourism Board!), and at the end of August, the sportswear company HOKA paid for my trip to France.
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Besides these press trips, I’ve also taken some self-funded vacations. In 2019, I spent three weeks in Europe, visiting Croatia, Holland, Ireland, Belgium, and France. In 2021, I partied with my cousins in Cancun for a week. That same year, I celebrated my birthday with friends in Atlanta, Georgia. And a year after that, my sister and I took a four-day vacation to Puerto Vallarta, Mexico, where we swam with dolphins and spent a lot of time on a boat.
Every time I get to go on one of these press tours or vacations (especially overseas ones), I can’t help but say to myself, “Oh my God, this is amazing!” I’m so grateful that my hard work has paid off and I have these opportunities. I wish I could take my parents…
And then first-generation guilt hits me. I feel guilty that I get to travel the world for work and play, while my parents still don’t have the money or paid vacation time. I feel guilty that their sacrifices allowed me to get the education they didn’t have, to build the career and make the money they didn’t have. But most of all, I feel guilty that I get to enjoy travel as a luxury, not a sacrifice.
Why do people feel first-generation guilt while traveling lavishly for work and pleasure?
My mother left Mexico when she was 14, and she often recalls having to run from dogs chasing her along the US-Mexico border. At least she had family here and was able to get a job through their connections. My father may not have risked his life to emigrate from Mexico, but at age 20, he had to leave his family behind and start from scratch here.
My parents didn’t leave Mexico of their own volition. “We never wanted to leave home, but we felt hopeless,” my father told me, with tears in his eyes. They left their home country for the same reason many do: for better economic prospects. Even as a teenager, my mother understood the time and financial burden it would take on a family. She was the eldest daughter in a family of 14. Twelve children’s diapers don’t just get changed, and dinner doesn’t just get cooked for that many. Both parents wanted their future children to have a better life than the one they had now.
So if I’ve achieved exactly that – a college degree, making more money, and being able to travel leisurely and luxuriously – why on earth do I feel so guilty about it?
The root of the first-generation guilt I feel about enjoying luxury or pleasure travel has to do with having the financial freedom my parents didn’t (and never did) have, and also the feeling that as a direct result of their travels, I too can enjoy travel – the kind of travel that is not fun at all.
This feeling of guilt isn’t uncommon among first-generation kids, according to Lizette Sanchez, PhD, clinical psychologist and host of The First Gen Psychologist: “They may feel guilty if they enjoy luxuries that their parents don’t have.” [or didn’t] “You could make a list of the top 100 things that first-generation kids feel guilty about,” Dr. Sanchez says. “Rest is a big factor. Paperwork status is on the list too. You might feel guilty about working in an air-conditioned office while your parents are doing manual labor,” she says, adding, “You could make a list of the top 100 things that first-generation kids feel guilty about.”
Neither of my parents have particularly physically demanding jobs. They’ve also been U.S. citizens since the ’90s, so my guilt doesn’t stem from mixed-status issues. But they still can’t travel much. The money they earn from their jobs is almost entirely needed for food, the mortgage, and household bills. They can’t afford not to take time off work to earn money. On the other hand, they see me as a bona fide world traveler and aren’t shy about pointing out the differences in our lifestyles. Though they mean well, they often respond with things like, “Are you going out again?” or “¡Mírala!” (Spanish for “Look at her!”).
It especially feels like I’m letting my kids down because it means I’m leaving them behind while I fly around the world.’ This may be a heightened feeling for first-generation Latino kids who enjoy luxuries they can’t share with their families because of the way they especially value family, according to Adriana Alejandre, a trauma therapist and founder of Latino Therapy.
“Especially as first-generation adults, we feel an unspoken obligation to help our parents at key moments in life.” —Adriana Alejandre, LMFT, therapist
“One of the fundamental elements of our Latino community is that we come from a collectivist culture, and we’re very familial,” Alejandre says of the Latino concept of putting family first. “Especially as first-generation people, we feel an unspoken obligation to help our parents at key times in life,” Alejandre adds. [the guilt] This was born out of familyism and the feeling that as you climb the corporate ladder, you should take your family with you.”
One of my biggest dreams is to take my family on press tours and vacations and have them stay at a five-star resort where they can order whatever they want without paying for it. That’s what familismo is all about. I feel lucky that the career I’ve had allows me to provide these experiences for myself, but I still feel guilty that I can’t share them with my family.
Part of that guilt may come from a deep sense of gratitude. [to your family] And I didn’t know how to express that gratitude,” Alejandre adds. Certainly, there’s no ignoring the fact that I might not have been able to experience my recent travels, whether for work or play, if my parents hadn’t made the sacrifices they made so many years ago to leave their family, community, and culture in Mexico behind for a chance to start over in the United States.
My parents have always made sacrifices to provide a better life for me and my siblings since they came to the United States. When my father first arrived, he had to move around looking for work, so he sacrificed going out for lunch or drinks with friends. Later, he had to sacrifice some of his income because his family back in Mexico also needed his support. He couchsurfed for a while until he found a stable source of income.
All the while, my mother sacrificed her time living with my siblings and watching them grow up. She told me it was hard for her because she was like a second mother to them. But she says her mother’s biggest sacrifice was giving up her dream of becoming a doctor. Once she got to America, she had to work day and night to make a living. She didn’t have the time or money to go to medical school.
All of these sacrifices my parents have made (largely in the name of my livelihood and lifestyle), coupled with the humble nature of my upbringing, have left me feeling like a fraud on my recent trip, and like I don’t deserve the luxuries I’ve been fortunate to experience.
“If you grow up in a culture that values humility and staying true to your roots, anything that goes against that, like going on a lavish trip or having a fancy dinner, can create cognitive dissonance,” says Sanchez, referring to the uneasy feeling that can come from holding two seemingly contradictory beliefs at the same time. It’s common to feel guilty about having nice things if they seem to go against your core values, she says.
What I’m doing to replace guilt with gratitude
“A lot of my guilt comes from perceiving my life as more extravagant than my parents’ — most obviously evidenced by the difference in how we’ve each experienced travel. But Dr. Sanchez says it’s important for me to consider my parents’ perspective, too.”
“We look around and see that we have it easy compared to them, and we want them to have what we have, but it may not necessarily be what they want,” Dr. Sanchez says. “They came here looking for a more peaceful life, for relief from what they’re going through, and in many ways, they may have already achieved that.”
Similarly, my desire to share my good fortune with my parents and take them on these trips may be more from my perspective than theirs. “You may expect to earn a certain amount of money so you can take your family on vacations, but who is holding you back from this expectation? It’s probably you,” Alejandre says. “It’s important to consider how the unspoken expectations you have for yourself may be contributing to feelings of guilt.”
But no matter how much you try to distance yourself from your own rigid expectations, you may never be able to completely escape the feeling of first-generation guilt you may feel while traveling, Dr. Sanchez says. And that’s OK.
“It’s hard to stop feeling guilty completely, so you have to find a way to honor it in the moment.” — Lizette Sanchez, PhD, clinical psychologist
“It’s hard to completely stop feeling guilty, so I have to find a way to honor it in the moment,” says Dr. Sanchez. “Self-awareness is key, as well as understanding that there’s a reason I’m feeling uncomfortable.” And what about that feeling that my lifestyle is at odds with the way I was raised? Dr. Sanchez says it can be helpful to realize that “you can make room for your parents’ values while still holding new values.” [at the same time].”
I also take solace in the fact that my parents immigrated to America in the first place so that I could do all the things I do now, even if (and especially) it was beyond what they themselves could currently or potentially ever afford. Perhaps I can be grateful for the sacrifices they made to give me a better life, while also feeling guilty about living it.
I confessed my recent feelings of guilt to my parents, and they acknowledged it. “I’m sorry, I couldn’t do it without you,” I told my mom recently. “I’m sorry I couldn’t take you.” My mom quickly responded, “No, I’m so proud of you and I love seeing my kids happy and healthy.” (“Not at all, I’m so proud of you and I love seeing my kids happy and healthy.”) And she knows I always find a way to share luxuries with her. My career is still growing. Who knows what I’ll be able to share in the future.
